Im a praise junkie. I really, really need those gold stars. I know Ive got to get over it. One of my most important happiness-project resolutions is Dont expect praise or appreciation1. I think about that resolution every day. But boy, its hard to keep.
我这个人对表彰上瘾。我真地很想得到那些金五星。我了解我得改掉这个问题。我非常重要的快乐决议之一就是不要期待表彰或赏析。我天天都想着这条决议。但，这真难做到啊。
For example, we just went through a major household project and I mean MAJOR that took a lot of time and effort on my part. Which, I admit, I accomplished2 with a minimum of grace. I tried, oh how I tried, but I just couldnt muster3 it.
打个比方，大家刚刚通过一项重大的家庭决议的确重大它耗费了我很多的时间和精力。我承认我是极其没风度地完成这决议的。我努力过，但不论多么努力，我终究还是有失风度。
As Ive done before, I begged the Big Man to manipulate me with praise! I urged him to sucker me into doing this project cheerfully by heaping gold stars on me! But he wouldnt.
我过去这么干过，我祈求大男性用表彰来借助我！我鼓励他用赞扬来忽悠我，让我兴致高昂地从事这项工作！但他不愿这么做。
I know the way to happiness is to be FREE of the craving4 for praise, not to need someone to pat me on the back. I know that. I should be the source of my own sense of satisfaction, of happiness; I should know that Ive done a job well and not depend on someone elses opinion.
我了解快乐之道在于不要太渴求表彰，无需其他人拍拍你的肩。我了解这点。我一个人应该成为自己满足感、快乐感的源头；我应该了解自己已经做得非常不错了，而不需依靠其他人的怎么看。
Im sure that one reason that I went to law school was because it was clear to me what I would need to do to win praise. I wrote my papers, I got my note published, I became editor-in-chief of the Yale Law Journal, I clerked for Justice Sandra Day OConnor. These were big gold stars, and they were precious to me.
我确信我去学习法律的原因之一是我得为取得表彰做点什么，这一点对我来讲再明确不过了。我写论文，出版笔记，我成为《耶鲁法律期刊》的首席编辑，我为奥康纳法官办事。这类都是大大的金色星星，它们对我来讲非常珍贵。
So I give myself an enormous gold star for putting those law-related gold stars aside to start over again as a writer. I love my work, and thats hugely satisfying. But I still crave5 praise and because the closest and easiest source would be the Big Man, I get frustrated6 when he wont give it to me，which he doesnt. Yes, I know thats not his job, and that I shouldnt depend on him for it. Like I said, Im working on not needing it.
所以当我将和法律有关的金色星星放在旁边，开始作家生涯时我给自己颁了一个巨大的金色星星。我热爱我们的工作，它带给我很大的满足感。但我还是渴求得到表彰由于最亲密、最简单的来源是大男性，所以他不夸奖我时我感到非常沮丧。他的确没。是的，我了解这不是需要做的，也了解我不应该依赖他来得到表彰。正如我说过的，我正为此而努力。
Recently, as I fumed7 about all the ways in which the Big Man wasnt feeding my praise addiction8, these tips occurred to me. They apply to all kinds of relationships -- friendship, work, romance, family. Its nice to be able to give praise effectively; it means a lot to people to receive sincere praise -- even people more mature than I.
近期，当我对于大男性没能满足我表彰瘾怒气冲冲之时，想出了下面的建议。它们适用于所有些关系朋友、同事、男女朋友、家人。能适合地赞美其他人是一件佳事；即使对于比我成熟的人来讲，收到真诚的赞美也意义重大。
1. Be specific. 要具体。 You read this in a lot of parenting advice: praise means more when its specific than when its general. What a beautiful painting! is less gratifying than Look at all the colors youve used! And I see you used all your fingers with the finger paints. Youve really made your picture look like a spring garden! This is true, for adults, too. Great job, is less satisfying than an enumeration9 of what, exactly, was done well.
在很多父母建议中都能读到这一点：具体的表彰比泛泛的赞美更好。说多好看的一幅画远没看，你用到的颜色！在手指画中你用到了所有些手指。你这幅画看起来就像一座春季的花园这句话让人满足。对于成年人来讲也一样。干得好就比列举出到底哪件事做得好成效差得多。
2. Acknowledge the actor. 表彰时要特别答谢行动者。The Big Man has a habit of saying something complimentary10 without acknowledging that I had anything to do with whatever result hes talking about. For example, with this household project, he looked around once and remarked, This really turned out well. As if some deus ex machina had wrought11 these changes overnight. Aaargh.
大男性有一个习惯：说一些赞美的话而否认这类和我有哪些关系。譬如这次家庭计划，他有一次四周看了看，然后说：这真算圆满成功。就仿佛某神灵下凡，一夜之间带来了这类变化。唉。
